I blogged yesterday, describing our first day back at home. It was a really crappy day and I wrote something the husband didn't like. I responded by erasing the whole thing. Stupid. But it's done now.
He didn't mean for me to erase all of it, just the one sentence. He felt it made him look "crazy" - which I could see looking back at it. But I felt under attack and over-reacted. That's not an uncommon occurrence.
I also threatened to stop the blog if he was going to try to censor what I wrote. This is supposed to be about me, about what I'm thinking and feeling. I have a hard enough time expressing myself that the thought of anybody criticizing my attempt makes me want to give up trying. But censorship isn't his aim. All he wants is for me to either be more discreet or to put it all out there. If I had written about all the crap that he's been going through and ended with the scene we had yesterday, that would have been fine; his actions would have been understandable. But only mentioning the scene made him look out-of-control for no apparent reason.
So yesterday sucked and today wasn't much better. We both ended up not wearing our wedding rings for a couple of hours, although they're back on now. I should take the time and put it all out there, just so he knows I understand why he is so miserable. But it hurts and I'm too weak. I've already lived through it and I don't know if I can pick off that scab.
So it's time to change the subject... I've started looking into skating lessons. The closest rink started their lessons last Saturday, so for now it might be easier to just go skating on my own each week. It's going to be way too easy for me to just not do this. I get full of big plans but I can put them aside without another thought. All part of my disorder that says I'm not worth it. And right now I really don't feel worth it.
Mixed nuts for breakfast - almonds, cashews, and macadamia nuts. Really.
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